This means war, NatWest

Those nice people at Management Today said that if I ever thought of a little short thing I wanted to say, I could do it, that being the joy of online and all that.

And, as it happens, I found one.  This is a rant. Well, actually it’snot quite made it to a full-blown rant, more of a sort of rantette.

I’m not normally in favour of rants. They tend to lean towards grumpy old man’ territory, which is not a cool place to be. There’s a whiff of  ‘Littlejohn in the Mail’ about them that doesn’t sit too well with me.

But maybe by virtue of my advanced age, I have subconsciously drifted into that twilight zone of thinking that the world was never quite as out and out stupid as it is now.

So here it is. My rantette with a purpose (as opposed to just venting spleen).

Many of you will have fallen foul of the recent NatWest banking ITdebacle that cocked up thousands of customer’s transactions and accounts. Now, I put my hands up. As someone who has had to run departments in the past and always come away with a bloody nose and ruined reputation, I have some sympathy with NatWest on this. Shit does and will happen and there is nothing worse than your business being trashed by something you simply don’t understand (IT) and having to stand by helplessly whilst staff promise it’ll all be fixed in one hour/tomorrow/next week. (Actually, they never say next week because you’d fire their assonance the problem was fixed, so you end up playing a game where you try to believe them and they hope they will get away with it. Basically they lie because they don’t know either.)

So, because shit happens, the issue for me is not the IT breakdown –although I am far from pleased at having the system tell me repeatedly I have entered my passcode wrongly and are unable to transfer money –but how the bank treats you whilst fixing the problem.

When I called up to reset the little widget that allows me to do my internet banking, the first question was asked was: what was the deposit made four days previously into your account? Get the amount and source wrong and the plug is pulled on your entire accounts anyway.  As if you weren’t having enough problems.

No matter how gently I tried to explain that as several clients had paid me at different times over the four days and without access to my account it would be impossible to guess who the last deposit was from, the woman was relentless.  To make matters and my blood pressure worse, she spoke very slowly and gently the whole time, as if talking to a tsunami victim.

In the end, she asked if I was declining to answer the question, as it would have repercussions? Yes. I said. I do not want repercussions.  I just want to get into my bank account.

She then grudgingly proceeded to the next two questions on her approved list. If I got these wrong the repercussions would be sinister and I would be cast forever into banking limbo.

Question one. Your date of birth. Ah. Hold on.  I know that one.  Result.

Well, the next one has got to be a toughie.  Question two. What is your overdraft limit? Handsprings, cartwheels, general hoop-la. I know this one too! Cue entry into one’s own bank account.

Learnings (I know, I used to teach):

•    Don’t ask shit questions of your customers.
•    Get the right questions in the right order.
•    Make it easy for people to work with you.

Holy moly. Way too much for 7.05 am.